While trying to sort out my issues with Judaism and sort of reinvent myself I have been asking myself about how involved I should be with my community, how involved I want to be with my community, whether or not I want to raise my children with Jewish theology. My initial thoughts are that I do indeed love the communal aspects of Orthodox Judaism. I love being in a community that seems to be close with one another and looks after each other at times. This is one of the main reasons I wanted to be frum, that and get connected with my "ancestral roots" whatever that might mean. To learn about the culture of my more religious brothers and sisters and to build a system in my life that would perpetuate Jewish culture in my family for generations.
These are in my mind good attributes of a frum lifestyle but they are all aspects that require us to be separated from general society in some way or another. However, I know that when all is said and done, all I want is for my children to be happy and thoughtful, and if at all possible having a similar perspective like me. One thing that does end up bothering me is my children getting involved in Christian theology. To me I have a strong aversion to it and I honestly feel like if my children were to convert it would be very painful to me, same goes if they simply married a believing Christian, don't care so much if they just happen to be from a Christian family though. This may just be me returning to my tribal attitude which I feel might be a pretty vile attitude after all. I mean, why should I care what my children believe, as long as they are happy. I feel that way if they were to be believing Jews, why should I care if they became believing Christians? I don't know what it is about that idea, but it makes me almost want to throw up a bit.
I have such an aversion not only to Christian theology, but also to practices like Christmas and Easter. I couldn't imagine going to a Christmas party even. It just feels wrong for some reason. Maybe it has to do with the historical connotations that Christmas and Easter have, with the murder of Jews and so on. Maybe it has to do with how I was raised. I remember wanting to celebrate Christmas one year and my father, by no means frum, said that is out of the question "We are Jews. We don't celebrate Christmas." Not in an angry tone mind you, but a gentle one. I was still pretty upset though. Maybe this has something to do with it. Or maybe the kiruv brainwashing dug a little too deep with this one.
Anyone else feel the same or similar or am I just nuts?